Sometimes you can care deeply about a person, but find that you are unsatisfied with the relationship you have with them. Boundaries are a way that people can alter relationships to be healthier, stronger, and more fulfilling. At Palms Behavioral Health in Harlingen, Texas, we encourage our clients to think about the relationships in their lives and how those relationships can grow and improve.
What are Boundaries?
Boundaries are the rules that apply to relationships. Sometimes these rules are developed unconsciously and are never clearly spoken between two people, which can cause confusion, miscommunication, and damage to the relationship if one person unknowingly breaks an unspoken rule. Setting clear boundaries can help two people know what to expect from their relationship.
Why It Can Feel Uncomfortable Setting Boundaries
You may have been taught that you’re not supposed to tell other people no, especially if you grew up in an environment that was unhealthy or codependent. You may have learned that it is unkind or disrespectful to not give in to what other people want, so it may feel like you are doing something wrong when you initially start to establish rules for your relationships.
How Boundaries Promote Mental Health
Having healthy boundaries can lower your stress, increase your satisfaction with your relationships, and allow you to take responsibility for only your own emotions, behaviors, and thoughts. Because it is impossible to control what others think, feel, or do, using your time and energy trying to do so is likely to make you feel disappointed, frustrated, and anxious. When you have healthy boundaries and they are respected, you are more likely to:
- Feel safe and respected in your relationships
- Have the privacy you need and deserve
- Feel heard, listened to, appreciated, respected, and validated
- Have your needs met
- Feel like you are allowed to say no
- Experience positive self-esteem
- Avoid burnout
Questions to Consider When Setting Boundaries
Boundaries aren’t just arbitrary rules people make without reason. They exist to improve relationships and personal well-being. If you’re not sure where you might need to establish better boundaries, it may help to answer the following questions:
- Is a relationship increasing your stress or anxiety?
- Have you been trying to control the other person’s feelings, thoughts, or behaviors?
- Are you having unpleasant feelings as a result of your interactions with the other person?
- Do you feel like your value to that person fluctuates, based on how you respond to their requests?
- How could setting a clear boundary help you and the relationship?
Examples of Boundaries
There are many different types of rules that people can put into place to help their relationships be stronger, healthier, and clearer. Boundaries govern the behavior of the person making the boundary; they do not control the other person.
- Poor example of a boundary: “You are not allowed to eat meat in front of me because I am a vegetarian.” This is not a good use of boundaries because it seeks to control the other person’s behavior.
- Good example of a similar boundary: “I am a vegetarian, and seeing someone consume meat upsets me. If you choose to eat meat, I will not eat with you.” This is a better boundary because it only governs the behavior of the person setting the boundary.
- Poor example of a boundary: “You are not allowed to yell at me.” This example attempts to control the other party’s choices by telling them they are not allowed to yell. There is no way for the speaker to enforce the boundary.
- Good example of a similar boundary: “I feel unsafe and disrespected when you yell at me. If you continue to yell, I will leave.” This example tells the other party what the boundary setter will do if the person continues to yell.
Following Through on Your Boundaries
Whatever rules you establish, you will need to be ready to make good on what you say if the other person is not ready to respect your boundaries. If you say you’re going to act a certain way, but you do not, this teaches the other person that your boundaries are not real. Do not make exceptions, or you may find that you are expected to do so continuously. If a person is repeatedly violating boundaries you have set for your own well-being and the well-being of the relationship you have with them, it may become necessary to distance yourself from that relationship.
At Palms Behavioral Health, we value the family and friends who support our clients. We want the relationships between our clients and their loved ones to be strong and healthy. Whenever possible and appropriate, we include personal support in the recovery process for our patients.
